Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Wrong on EVERY level...


It's June. It's June 6th, to be exact. It's late spring here in Ontario, Canada...

And last night, at about two o'clock in the morning, I crept from my bed and turned on the furnace. Because I was ab-so-lute-ly FREEZING, even with the down duvet (and I must confess, a pair of wooly socks, much to my husband's chagrin).

While I'm enjoying the more moderate daytime temperatures and some good, solid rain on my newly-planted garden, I can't help but think...

Using the furnace in June is just Wrong On Every Level.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

WHO made you do it??!!


The resounding cry of “Blame The Mother!!”

We hear it and read it every day… on the news, in the papers, even in the school playground. Axe murderers’ motives are always traced back to the mothers, who undoubtedly owned a couple of kitchen knives, and occasionally -GASP!- used them in front of the children whilst preparing dinner. Stressed-out, workaholics-gone-postal undoubtedly had mothers who -GASP!- had to WORK to support their single-parent families, thus setting a poor example of overly-intense work ethics. And of course, children with ANY sort of behavioral issues have mothers who are whispered and gossiped about on the school playgrounds… by OTHER MOTHERS. “Little Sarah PUSHED Suzie this morning and made her cry!!! What do YOU think is going on at home??!!” (Translated, this means, “What the hell is that mother doing wrong… or, not doing right??!!”)

Our society is one that has an unhealthy need to lay ultimate blame at the feet of Mothers.

The reasons why we do this are unfathomable to me. Why do we always resort to whittling down issues to the most basic of potential causes when we cannot make sense of them any other way? Well, I suppose it’s because we are a nervous people, and our society seems hell-bent on “seeking justice”. So, we blame. We blame the very people who give us life. The constant need to Blame The Mother For Everything seems not unlike the habit a lot of unhappy people have of Blaming God for things that go wrong in their lives. It’s the “easy” way out: the “easy” answer. More often than not, it’s the ONLY answer they can come up with. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my lifetime, there are some questions that just have no answers, some mysteries that have no solutions, some disasters that have no understandable cause. We either have to learn to be okay with that, or we find a way to lay blame in order to “set our minds at rest”.

Now, this is not to say that there aren’t some mothers out there who don’t deserve to be taken to task for their actions (or inactions). Lord knows that there are plenty of examples of those women out there… for instance, that lunatic who spawned Lindsay Lohan, for example.

But, I digress.

The point at which this whole excessive mother-blaming thing became TOO MUCH for me occurred this morning. This morning, I just cracked. Maybe it was the fatigue and disappointment after last night’s hockey game, I don’t know… This morning, I had had ENOUGH.

The mother-blaming habit has trickled down to the next generation in this house. My children, ages eleven, six and three, have developed an extremely nasty habit of blaming me for anything and everything.

I’m not talking about the big stuff. You know, the “I DIDN’T ASK TO BE BORN!!” big stuff. Thankfully, my kids are still so young, they haven’t had enough time here on earth to blame me for anything really catastrophic yet… But then, to this point, they haven’t had the opportunity to do any major damage on a GLOBAL scale (at least, none that I'm aware of).

The stuff they constantly blame me for is the little stuff, the every-day stuff. Most often, THE STUFF THAT THEY SHOULD BE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR. I’m talking serious blame-shifting here, that borders on the ridiculous.

Like this, for example:

Mother: (running a comb through her eldest daughter’s long hair) Woah!! This could take a few minutes. Hold still, kiddo, you’ve got some mondo knots in this wig of yours… Hang tough, and we’ll get them out.

Child Number One: It’s all YOUR fault, Mother!! YOU bought the wrong kind of shampoo!! And then YOU forgot to remind me to blow dry it properly after my shower last night!!

See what I mean? Or, how about this:

Mother: (while serving lunch) Whoops! I see you’ve had a milk spill, there. Here, let me get you a cloth to clean it up, and then just make sure the cup is pushed back from the edge of the table next time, okay?

Child Number Two: Hey, YOU put the cup down on the table, Mum!! YOU made me do it!! It’s not MY fault my elbow tipped it over!!

Sigh. Let’s hear from the last one:

Mother: (averting her eyes from The Horror) Oh, my Lord… WHO WROTE ON THE LIVINGROOM SOFA WITH BUBBLEGUM TOOTHPASTE???!!

Child Number Three: (popping up from behind the furniture with pink-stained fingers and a foamy mouth) Maybe E’mmy Yeung did it!!

I have to confess, I forgave Child Number Three for that last one. You know why? Because, currently, she is the ONLY CHILD who doesn’t try to pin the havoc she wreaks on ME. Not YET, that is. She’s got ears, however, and she hears those big sisters of hers. She’s also got a memory chip in that little brain that rivals the one I’ve got in my computer at the moment. She’s listening, and I just KNOW that the words spoken in this house are going to come back to haunt me someday soon…

The last of the blame-laying occurred this morning, just after I had risen from bed. I yawned, put on my bathrobe, and went across the hallway to waken Child Number One, who had managed to sleep right through her extremely noisy alarm clock.

Mother: Time to wake up!!

Child Number One:
(as cross as two sticks) MU-MMEEEE!! Now I’m in a GRUMPY MOOD and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT!!

All MY fault??! By simply waking the kid up, her grumpy mood is ALL MY FAULT??!! By simply uttering four words, and bringing her back to consciousness, I have completely shattered the child’s entire state of mind??!!

I DON’T THINK SO.

My three girlies attended a Breakfast Meeting with the Domestic Goddess this morning… during which, it was made AB-SO-LUTE-LY CLEAR that there would be no further tolerance of playing the Blame Game, either with me, or with one another. They heard about Responsibility, and Being Accountable for One’s Own Actions. About Politeness, and about Respect, both for others, and for themselves, as well.

They listened to me, and they heard me. They promised to Try.

I dismissed them for hand-face-and-teeth cleaning in preparation for school, and sank down at my desk for a moment with a LARGE cup of coffee, to peruse my email…

And wouldn’t you know it? I was SO overwrought with emotion after my major speech, so overcome by my sweet daughters’ words of remorse, that I joggled my elbow, and half a cup of scalding hot java splattered all over my keyboard…

The keyboard immediately fizzled to a standstill…

Drat those kids. THEY made me do it...

Thou hast angered the Goddess...


Okay, boys. Last night was BAD. There was precious little good about it, save your goalie, who was just trying his darndest to save YOU ALL, as well as that hockey puck that kept flying past him...

You're just toying with me though, right?! Just trying to see how far you can push me... After all, who woulda thought that you would LOSE THE GAME, with one of the other team's star players out... Out, may I remind you, for KNOCKING ONE OF YOUR OWN PLAYERS UNCONSCIOUS THE OTHER NIGHT.

How could you not be just a LITTLE ticked off about that incident? Lord knows all of the rest of us are... especially the parents of kids who "look up" to players like you to set an example of gentlemanly sportsmanship.

How could you not rise to the occasion, and take the opportunity to win the game, when it was clearly served up to you on a silver platter?!

Well, I'll tell you. The Goddess was more than a LITTLE disappointed last night as she trundled off to bed...

You'd better be able to get it together before the next game, that's all I can say. Because the only thing worse that raising the Goddess' wrath... would be disappointing Canadian Hockey Fans.

It wouldn't be pretty, boys. So, let's try this again... say, Wednesday night?

Monday, June 4, 2007

Fabulous footwear... well, they FEEL fabulous, anyway...


I'm sure you're all wondering why on EARTH I'm bothering to show you my favourite footwear... These are one of three pairs of crocs that I currently own. I covet many, many more pairs though (especially that new pale lilac colour), so I want to clear up this matter right now: only owning three pairs of crocs is "self controlled" for me.

And the jibbitz... (that's those dorky little decorations I've got dotted all over them, for anyone out there who doesn't speak croc). Gotta love the jibbitz. I've got martians (2), insects (cartoon insects, NOT real ones), a chicken (no reason, I just like chickens), a British flag (to warn people about my personality in advance), and... a cup of Tim Horton's Coffee (extra large double milk, double sugar, in case you're wondering).

And today, I added another one... a very special one, just for tonight. Hopefully, for all of this week, if The Boys can pull it off. See the tiny little Ottawa Senators logo up there on the upper left-"hand" shoe? Bet you didn't know I'm a hockey fan... Hell, I didn't know I was a Sens fan, either, till I was IN Ottawa a few weeks ago, and they started WINNING. Man, were the street parties that weekend ever BIG FUN. My sports-nut of a husband thought it was hilarious when I asked him if the Senators cheer was "ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz...." (as in SNOOORRRRE... Sorry, it's a Canuck political joke, the rest of you can talk amongst yourselves for just a moment).

But I digress... What I really mean to say is this:

GO SENS!!

Bite 'em in the ass tonight, boys... I'll be watching... and you DON'T want to disappoint the Domestic Goddess!!

Sunday, June 3, 2007

It's aliiiiive!!! They're hatching!!!!


Some of you may remember the Praying Mantis egg case that I got talked into purchasing a couple of weeks ago. Many weeks ago, actually. I was looking for a less noxious way of ridding my garden of pesky insects, like mosquitoes, caterpillars and grubs... My friend Bill at Sheridan Nurseries assured me that hatching 400 Praying Mantes, then letting them loose in amongst the plants, would be the answer to my prayers. Because, Praying Mantes are Insects With Serious Attitude, and all of the bugs that I hate the most... they love to eat.

Well, I took Bill's advice. I bought the egg, a deluxe bug case (the less deluxe one had holes that looked a little on the big side to me, and I'm not one to take chances), then we plonked it in the flowerbed, and waited.

I had actually given up on it, truth be known. After all, this thing has been taken to school for show'n'tell, shaken by curious toddlers, and drenchingly rained on. I was SURE that whatever life was inside it had expired... but was prepared to let it sit there, and let the garden grow over it all summer.

Well, this morning, I wandered out into the garden in my pjs and bathrobe, clutching a cup of coffee and the Sunday newspaper, hoping for a few moments of peace in the early sunshine... when out of the corner of my eye, I noticed MOVEMENT... creepy, crawly movement, right next to the egg case I had all but forgotten about.

I called to the girlies, and they whooped with delight. We spent a good hour or two sitting on the grass, watching them slowly crawl out the door of the bug case, and out into the wide world.

Let's hope they grow up strong and healthy and do their job well... Heaven knows, there's more than enough "food" around here to sustain them!!


Welcome to the world, my creepy little friends... Welcome.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

That's "my" boy!!!


As you know, I am the proud mother of three wonderful daughters. But, I have a secret... there is a little boy out there who is almost as dear to my heart, and as much "mine" as my own little girls. He is the son of one of my closest friends, and Child Number Two's bestest buddy.

Today, I had the privilege of witnessing something very special... because "my" boy made his dancing debut on stage this weekend, and he invited me to come and watch.

"Mikey" is a beautiful, blond cherub of a five-year-old boy. I first met him when he was just barely two... and he and my own Child Number Two were put into the same pre-school class together. Even then, I could tell that he was special-- he and my daughter seemed to become firm friends (and partners in crime) from the very second they laid eyes on one another.

Soon, Mikey became a frequent and very welcome visitor to our home, and it was then that I saw what a sensitive and creative little soul that he truly was. By the age of three, he and my girls would gallop down the basement stairs to where all of our costumes and play-acting equipment is, and they would spend hours singing and dancing about, until some sort of "show" was worked up for the mothers to enjoy.

Even then, I could see that he had that spark... that "twinkle". Because of all the kids, HE was the one you wanted to look at. He remembered the words to every song, sang in tune, and could faithfully make up steps in time to the music to go along with it. But it wasn't just that-- it was The Look. It was the joy on his face that made it almost impossible to look away from him.

Last year, when my brother was visiting, he had the opportunity to witness Mikey's talents. My brother and I were fortunate to be raised in a household where The Arts were everything-- we were taught to play many instruments (whether we wanted to play them or not!) and enthusiastically encouraged to act, sing, and dance. True to our Scottish roots, my brother has become a particularly gifted bagpiper, and I thought it would be fun to invite Mikey to come and hear him play.

While my brother was playing, the group of children I had assembled sat on the floor in front of him. But, when he began to play a lively hornpipe, Mikey just couldn't help himself. He jumped to his feet, and began to dance around the room. My brother was astounded, because the typical child's reaction to his playing is normally to cover their little ears and laugh uproariously... he had never seen a child so delighted by his music... let alone a child so small, and, as then, completely untrained, perform such a perfect, spontaneous little jig.

He agreed that Mikey needed-- and deserved-- proper lessons.

I spoke to his mother. Because for years, while I was taking hours and hours of ballet training, my father was behind me, encouraging me every step of the way. He once told me that he delighted in watching me, partly because when he was a child in war-time England, HE had wanted lessons. His parents were horrified, and refused, worried that ballet dancing would make their son a "nancy". Instead, he would listen to the music, and sneak off to the theatre to watch ballet as often as time and his finances would allow. Today, as an older gentleman, my father is still a wildly enthusiastic fan of the ballet, but it hurts my heart more than just a little to think of him as a child denied an opportunity... especially for such a silly, ignorant reason.

Mikey's mother is a wonderful, intelligent, open-minded person. She had no problem putting him into a dance class this school year... and it was made much easier by the fact that Mikey did NOT want to follow in his older brother's hockey skates, thus freeing up the family schedule immensely.

And he blossomed. He loved every minute of it. His teachers were astounded by him, and advanced him to a class that was as high as he could go, without being too far out of his age-group.

Of course, this is where the "Oliver Button" part of the story comes in. The part that his mother and I simply cringe about... because Mikey is the ONLY boy I saw in the dance recital today... and probably one of the few boys in this entire region who enthusiastically takes dance lessons.

His mother says that he doesn't talk much about his dancing to other kids his age. Of course, he talks about it to me, and to my daughters. We're all ferociously proud of him. But, I hear tales about other boys teasing him... mostly, boys his older brother's age. The fact that I find that hard to hear is the understatement of the century... How is it possible that in this day and age, with all the good things we are teaching the Men Of Tomorrow about sensitivity and creativity... we still can't seem to get them to appreciate these traits in one another? Beyond that, how is it possible to watch a male dancer in action, whether he's three or thirty three, and not appreciate the magnificent physical agility and discipline it takes to perform well?

Well, today, "my" boy strutted out onto that enormous stage with his face simply lit up with happiness. There were no nerves, no mis-steps. Just a clear picture of an amazing little boy showing EVERYBODY what he loves to do best. And the audience roared with applause in response. I could not have been prouder, it brought tears to my eyes.

Next year, his mother will be enrolling him in more classes. Someday, I have the feeling we'll all be hearing about him, and when that happens, I'll be crowing it from the rooftops.

Mikey, little man... Today, You Are A Star.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dishwasher Disaster


For a number of years, I prided myself in being able to "fix" my own appliances whenever they were uncooperative. I'd whip out my Reader's Digest "How To Repair..." manual, read over whatever chapter was pertinent to the disaster at hand, grab my toolbox, and TA-DAAHH!! It appeared that the Goddess' luck triumphed over skill... for awhile.

That luck apparently ran out a few years ago, just after Child Number Three (and all of her laundry) appeared on the family scene. One awful day, my washing machine "KA-CHUNKED" to a standstill, and all of the dirty water within leaked out the bottom, completely flooding my laundry room floor. I stood in disbelief for a moment, three crying children at my feet, then officially surrendered and reached for my Yellow Pages.

Enter Kurt, from Oh's Appliance Repair.

Kurt, in my mind today, is right up there with Mr. Clean in the lineup of Top Ten Household Deities. We've been through a lot together. Washing machine floods. Smoking clothes dryers. Microwaves spitting venom. Total freeze-ups of refrigerator units. And today, Kurt spent nearly two frustrating hours fixing my dishwasher.

Last weekend, as you might remember, was the big Third Birthday Party. It was quite the shin-dig, with little people screamin' all over the house and garden, scattering toys and all manner of food particles in their wake. It was a serious challenge to keep up with them-- the dishwasher was loaded, run, and unloaded no less than three times in the duration, and on that last, fatal load... a tiny, pink Arco-Roc juice glass was apparently perilously mis-loaded in the top rack.

Remember Arco-Roc? The "indestructible" glass material, marketed towards housewives that needed product durability, but didn't want to sink to the level of purchasing Tupperware? Well, my mother was One Of Those Housewives. She gifted me an entire set. Turns out, Arco-Roc is NOT indestructible-- just about, but not quite. The trade off IS, that when it DOES destruct, it does so in an explosive fashion, not unlike a fluorescent tube lightbulb.

So, this little Arco-Roc juice glass shattered in the final load of dishwashing, and the tiny, razor-like particles produced in the accident had to be meticulously picked out of the machine by me later that night, using a long pair of tweezers... the painstaking process took until about two o'clock in the morning.

I honestly thought I had gotten it all. I swear to God. I even used a flashlight.

But, the next day, no sooner had I turned on the dishwasher, TERRIBLE GRINDING SOUNDS ensued... And I knew that I was in deep, deep trouble. Because the only thing that my kids produce on a massive scale, besides laundry... are dirty dishes.

Kurt arrived this morning, early for the appointment we had set. Good thing, too, because it took him the first half hour to pick MORE glass out of the food grinder of the dishwasher, once he had taken the whole thing apart. He figured that that was it, put the sucker back together again, and pushed the "start" button, to show me the miracle he had wrought.

More monster noises ensued from the machine.

Kurt rolled up his sleeves again.

This time, I asked if he could SHOW me how to take the dishwasher apart. Smiling, he replied NO, because he figured that if he showed me the tricks of the trade, he'd be out of a job (suffice to say that since the birth of Child Number Three and the vaporization of all my "spare time" during which I used to try to fix things, Kurt has been put on the speed-dial of our telephone).

I got to hold the flashlight.

This time, he was able to remove about half a dozen juice-box straws from the mechanism BELOW the food grinder. He solemnly handed them to me. I laughed nervously, as he put everything back together a second time.

And yet, the sounds of a gargoyle being slowly strangled rang out, as soon as the dishwasher was turned on.

Round three. This time, he went venturing into the dishwasher pump. As he struggled with his ratchet tool, I jokingly asked him what the weirdest thing he had ever pulled out of a dishwasher was.

Kurt: (holding up a tiny, white object between his thumb and first finger) Well, I'd say that THIS pretty much tops the list.

It was a human tooth. A baby molar, if you all must know.

I was dumbstruck. Dumbstruck and MORTIFIED. Dumbstruck, mortified with MORE than a touch of cold, blinding panic mixed in... because discarded body parts are NEVER good things to let tradespeople discover in the bowels of your major household appliances.

Kurt just about bust a gut laughing at the look on my face. Between his guffaws, he put the machine back together one last time, and promised not to sick the authorities on me. I paid his bill, saw him to the door, and he saluted me on the way out with a jaunty call of, "See ya next time!!"

Oh. My. God.

Somewhere in my memory there is a vague recollection of one of Child Number One's baby teeth going missing before the Tooth Fairy got a chance to get her little mitts on it... I'm pretty sure we had to write a note, explaining the situation. What MUST have happened was, the tooth was put up for safe-keeping in a Very Special Place until bedtime... and that Special Place was so Special, WE forgot where it was.

I WONDER... if perhaps, it was plonked into a little pink Arco-Roc juice glass, and inadvertently shoved to the back of the kitchen cabinet??

Talk about something coming back to bite you...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

"Emily Yeung" has driven me to...


Extra-large gin and tonic, heavy on the Bombay Gin, light on the tonic, with a slice of lime.

Whew.

WHO did it??!!


Drat that Emily Yeung.

You know that spunky, sparky little girl on Treehouse TV-- the one in the orange shirt, always trying out funky new activities, and as precocious as the day is long?

Yeah, her.

Well, I'm here to tell you that she's living a double life, people. And the other half of that cute-as-a-button little twerp is wreaking havoc right here in my house.

It's hard to believe, actually. I mean, come ON. Filming that series must take up the majority of her time. There would hardly be any spare moments for academic study (not that she needs any-- she clearly knows it all), or even for sitting in front of the mirror at night, jamming her fingers into those mega-dimples of hers, just to make sure she never misplaces them...

But, there MUST be more than 24 hours in a day for Emily Yeung, there just has to be-- otherwise she would NEVER have the time to get up to the kinds of mischief I am assured she does, right here under my own roof, on a daily basis. Sometimes SEVERAL times a day, in fact.

It all started when Child Number Three began to speak in full sentences. No sooner had she learned to RESPOND to questions, the questions that other family members ASKED most frequently seemed to begin with the same word: WHO.

"WHO took my toothbrush and dropped it in the toilet??!!"

"WHO drew on my barbie doll's face with red marker??!!"

"WHO emptied the sugar bowl onto the kitchen floor??!!"

"WHO buggered up my computer????!!!!!!"

Well, the answer to ALL of these questions and MORE was simple, according to my youngest daughter:

"Maybe E'mmy Yeung did it!!"

Child Number Three began making this prophetic statement initially with a look of innocent, wide-eyed wonder on her face... as though she could hardly believe that her televisual heroine could transcend the Treehouse Channel and take time out of her busy life to terrorize our home. But, as time went by, and Emily was named as the main suspect for more and more criminal activity around here, Wee Three's accompanying facial expression changed to one of deep seriousness. Her verdict was made with concentrated certainty. Most recently, she has begun slowly shaking her curly little head as she says the words, as though she is imagining the terrible fate that Emily would have to endure, should she ever be caught in the act by me, Mother Of All Mothers and Domestic Goddess.

Emily Yeung was going to catch it in the neck if she was ever caught pilfering chocolate chips, and then wiping the residual hand-stickiness on the white wainscoting in the hallway. She was going to be sent packing if she was discovered fingerpainting with leftover hotdog mustard on the kitchen floor. The police might have to be called if she were found to be stirring the cat's litterbox with a wooden spoon. And as for adventures with mud and the garden hose in the newly manicured garden?? Forget about it. It would be GAME OVER for Emily.

I wish I could catch her in the act. Just once. Then there would be considerably fewer "WHO??" questions around here, and more WHATs, instead... As in, "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS KID??!!"

I've got a pretty good idea WHAT, too. For starters, I'd glue the little culprit's behind to a time-out chair for so long, she'd miss at least a month or two of taping that television show of hers.

Come on, nobody'd really miss her.

Especially since I've got another little girl, recently turned three, who would just LOVE to be her understudy for awhile....

In the Most Delightful Way...


Overheard this afternoon, in accompaniment to a Mary Poppins video:

Child Number Three: (singing her little heart out) 'Spoonful of sugar helps the ELEPHANTS go DOWN!

Monday, May 28, 2007

Who's your favourite??!!


Overheard after dinner this evening: Three girlies and their Dad.

Child Number Three: I wuv you, Daddy.

Father: Aaaawwww... You're officially my FAVOURITE CHILD.

Child Number One: I love you, too, Daddy... AND... I'll rub your feet for you!!

Father: Wow!! New favourite child!! YOU win!!

Child Number Two: (clearly revolted) Eeeewwww!! I'm sure glad I'M not your favourite...

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Happy Birthday, Wee Three...


"A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future."


Child Number Three: (sleepily) Dis was the bestest birfday I NEVER had!!!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Strawberry Strychnine...


Tomorrow is Child Number Three's third birthday!!

It's so hard for me to get my head around the fact that the little critter is growing up so fast; that the time has gone by SO quickly.

Although she is very tiny of stature, my youngest child has no problem articulating her wants and needs, loudly and clearly, whenever she wants or needs something. Today, while we were preparing for her party, which will be held on Saturday afternoon, she came to a decision on the theme she would like.

Guess what it is?

"Stwabewwy Showt-cake!!"

That's Strawberry Shortcake, for all of you out there who don't speak pre-schooleeze.

The kicker is, the one thing in this life that I am absolutely, deathly allergic to is strawberries. Strawberry Shortcake, in spite of all her annoying cuteness, might as well be the Grim Reaper, or the Angel of Death to me.

But, it's what she wants, people, so what else can I do? I dutifully set off to our fabulous local dollar store, where we purchased hats, plates, cups, banners, blowers, napkins-- you name it!!-- all adorned with the mug of this deadly little dolly.

Oh, well. It could be worse. If she had chosen a "Barney" theme, I would have perished instantaneously from a fatal brain aneurysm brought on by severe loathing. At least with Strawberry Shortcake, there's always an Epipen around to save me.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Tumble-down trauma...


We were running late yesterday at lunchtime, and hurried out to the car in order to pick up Child Number Two at kindergarten.

"Don't run in your crocs-- they're still a little too big for you!!" I hollered after Child Number Three, who was barrelling top-speed down the path towards the driveway.

Too late.

She tripped, and neatly face-planted onto the pavement, scraping up her poor little hands and knees.

As we were already late, and the kindergarten teacher firmly frowns upon parents who are so much as one nano-second tardy for pick-up time, I cuddled the still-weeping two-year-old into her carseat, cleaned her scrapes with a couple of diaper wipes, and promised band-aids once we returned home with her sister.

Child Number Two was FULL of sympathy when she heard of the accident, held her sister's hand and made soothing promises of TLC all the way home in the car. She promised to dab on the Polysporin and bandage the knees herself (boy, that kid is great in a crisis, so long as she isn't actually the CAUSE for a change). Child Number Three immediately calmed right down, satisfied that she would be extremely well cared for and coddled for the remainder of the afternoon.

As we were going through the door and heading towards the kitchen, Child Number Two requested the massive first aid kit that I keep up on a high shelf. I handed her the box, and told her to be careful...

Child Number Two: (awed by the responsibility) Wow!! Look at ME!! It's like... I'm her personal VETERINARIAN, or something!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Ready and Waiting...


Child Number Two, age six, has her very first loose tooth!!

The great discovery was made on the patio, after school, while she was eating a popsicle... She felt something "weird" in her mouth, reached in, gave a wiggle... and sure enough, one of those little choppers wiggled back.

Ecstatic, she immediately insisted on calling her father at the office... And bless him, he extricated himself from an important meeting to congratulate her. The telephone was then handed to me.

Father: So!! Big news!!

Mother: Yessiree, she's been waiting for this for a LONG time.

Father: She seems awfully excited.

Mother: Well, COME ON, Dad, there's CASH involved, here.

Father: Yeah. She apparently figures that thirty-five dollars would be a fair trade... She mentioned that she still owes you five dollars, though, so she said that she'll settle for thirty.

Mother: (spluttering) THIRTY DOLLARS??!! (Recovering from initial shock) Interesting how she's choosing to negotiate with YOU. Shouldn't she be writing to the TOOTH FAIRY about all this??!

Well, that Tooth Fairy had better be made of tough stuff if she's planning on entering into negotiations with Child Number Two, that's all I can say. And it wouldn't hurt if she was made of money, as well...

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sunday, May 20, 2007

First things, first...


No sooner had I dragged our bags across the threshold of my childhood home, my own children dropped everything and headed back out to the car.

Child Number One: C'MON, MUM!! First things, first!! YOU know where you want to go!!

Child Number Two: (pumping the air with her little fists) Yeah, Mum!! Hurry up!! YOU KNOW THE DRILL!!

Child Number Three: CHOCK-LIT SHOP!!! CHOCK-LIT SHOP!!!

Yes, The Quest was on... for Chocolate Barr's.

Chocolate Barr's is, bar none, the best chocolate in the entire universe. Mr. Barr was trained by another great Canadian chocolate maker, Mr. Rheo Thompson himself, and three years ago set up his own business, using the wonderful original recipes he had learned at Rheo's side.

This ain't just any chocolate, people. This is the kind of hand-dipped perfection that makes you want to collapse on the floor and roll around for awhile, it tastes so incredibly good. It's what my husband calls "food sex".

The girls and I stormed Chocolate Barr's and left with enormous shopping bags full of treats... Mint Melties (my favourites), chocolate covered sponge toffee (for Child Number One), chocolate covered pretzels (for Child Number Two), chocolate on a stick (for the amazingly messy Child Number Three... ANYTHING to keep her hands out of it). Best of all, we bought a bag of "Mistakes". I LOVE the bags of "imperfect" chocolates, which they sell at a discount simply because they look a little funny. Funny, because they seem pretty darned perfect to ME...

Our tradition once we have left the shop is to collapse on the nearest park bench and TUCK IN. Which we did. We didn't stop eating until Child Number One announced that she was beginning to feel "profoundly unwell"...

Sticky, on a sugar high, and immensely happy, we headed back to the car.

Mother: (slightly worried about the upholstery) Everybody feeling okay for the drive back to the house?

Child Number One: (clearly recovered) Oh, YES, Mummy... NOW can we go to the Chuck Wagon for those really good FRENCH FRIES??!

Ooouufff... It's great to be Home.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Heaven. I'm Home.


The girlies and I have returned to my roots... We are spending the weekend in my parents' house, which is the same house in which I spent my entire childhood. Mum and Dad are in Europe, and a few days ago I received a phonecall from one of their neighbours... it seems that a storm passed through town on Tuesday, badly damaging the trees and disrupting electricity on the street. So, we're here to help with the clean-up, but mostly to enjoy a quiet weekend in this beautiful town, in the house that I know by heart.

I think I'm probably one of few people who spent their whole childhood in just one place... Most of my friends cannot believe that my mother and father have been in the same house for over forty years. I guess it's part of the "small town" thing, and also has a great deal to do with the fact that my father's line of work (medicine) did not necessitate hauling the family from pillar-to-post for the sake of forwarding his career.

For this, I am incredibly grateful. Although I do confess to strange pangs of nerves, and even the occasional unpleasant childhood "flashback" as I drive through the city limits each time I visit (not often enough, according to my mother, and I confess that it's true), it never fails that the initial unpleasant feelings give way to a sense of deep peace as I step over the threshold of the house where I grew up.

Child Number One: (smiling and sniffing) I love Gramma and Grampa's house. It smells nice.

Child Number Two: Yup. It feels like they're still here. Whaddaya think it smells like?

Mother: (closing her eyes) It smells like Home.

It's wonderful to be back. We miss The Folks, but actually, it's more relaxing to be on our own... to do what we like WHEN we like, make messes, and not worry about the stress we might be causing them... My kids are playing with the same toys I played with as a child, I've been stopped on the street to chat with people who have known me since I was "this high!", and I've been wandering through all my old stomping grounds... the parks, the schools, the church where my husband and I were married...

My parents have been nurturing an enormous garden here for nearly half a century, and it's just beginning to bloom. This morning, I'm going to mow the lawns, do a little pruning and weeding, and watch the Two Year Old ride in circles on the tricycle that I used to peddle around the patio. It's weird to see history repeating itself, but also strangely reassuring. I'm so grateful to have this house to come home to, and parents who are able to continue to maintain and enjoy the place where they have spent nearly all of their married life.

Not very many people are this lucky. But I'm deeply thankful that we are.


A Royal Announcement


Ladies and Gentlemen, my I present my newest favourite online comic strip:

The New Adventures of Queen Victoria

I am a comic-a-holic. I subscribe to MANY online comic websites, and can't start my morning until I've got my coffee AND my comics in front of me... My "favourites" list is crammed full of more comic sites than blog sites, and I even have some of them emailed to me... It's a sickness, I know.

Whilst surfing those sites, I found Queen Victoria. Maybe it's just my own British, Fawlty-Towers-esque family background coming into play, but I can tell you that I haven't laughed this hard in a VERY long time.

This weekend, which is Victoria Day holiday weekend, The New Adventures of Queen Victoria will begin publishing daily on www.gocomics.com. I highly recommend beginning your day with five minutes of laughter-- it helps to take the "edge" off of the getting-the-kids-out-the-door-on-time routine!


God Save The New Adventures of Queen Victoria!

FINALLY, my university education in British History is coming in handy... My parents will be SO thrilled...

Friday, May 18, 2007

Victoria Day... Getting Away


Well, we're doing it again, folks!

We're packing up the girlies and heading off to my childhood home for the Victoria Day Weekend. Lots to do around here before we set off... I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

It's Allergy Season Again!!!


This morning before setting off to school, I was frantically trying to catch up on emails and downing my second cup of coffee when Child Number Two appeared at my elbow.

Child Number Two: (snuffling) Bubby, by eyes are all itchy, and by nozzles are stuffed up. Can I hab by bedicine?

Mother: Your NOSTRILS are stuffed up, not nozzles. We are not a garden hose. Come on, I'll get you some Claritin...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Two Year Old Terrorist...


It's been a BUSY day around here... but no one has been more busy than the resident Two Year Old, let me tell you.

She made her rounds of the puddle-splashing circuit on her way to and from school. She attempted to "share" her chocolate chip cookie snack with our two guinea pigs. She ate her alphabet soup, letter by letter, with her fingers at lunchtime. She pilfered her older sister's makeup bag, twisted up all the lip glosses, and then jammed the tops back on, just to see what would happen. She sneaked into the bathroom, turned on the faucets, and tried to make "boats" out of individual squares of toilet paper... which, of course, sank, clogged the drain, and overflowed the sink by the time she was discovered. She "flew" her toy bunny rabbit over the banister in the upstairs hallway, knocking a Chinese lamp off of a table on the main floor. For her final act this afternoon, she found three contrabanned markers, and drew a large "mural" on the wall.

Tonight, she accidentally-on-purpose tipped over her "goodnight" glass of milk onto the kitchen table and began to "finger paint" with it...

Child Number Three: (Innocently, hoping cuteness will diffuse Mother's Reaction) I fink I needs a BABY SIPPY CUP...

Mother: (Through clenched teeth) YOU, my little friend, need a TRANQUILIZER DART.

Head vs. Heart


Yesterday, I somehow managed to use my pent-up negative energy (stemming from the general ickiness I feel just before an upcoming thunderstorm) for "good". Well, I know in my HEAD that it was "good", but my heart hasn't quite figured this out yet.

After eleven years of raising small children, I have finally given in to what my BRAIN has known for two years, and have rounded up all of our baby equipment, ready to tote it off to the re-sale shop. It's all sitting in the trunk of the loser cruiser, right now. Just waiting for the final drive to Hand-Me-Downs.

Here's the thing: for some reason, the act of releasing all of the things I have lovingly collected over the past decade feels like MORE of a closure to the decision my husband and I made a few years ago than any medical intervention could.

Why is that??!!

And what's more, why is the act of getting rid of the baby stuff so gut-wrenching for me??!!

It's just STUFF, after all. All replaceable, should the need ever arise (and both my head--and my husband-- assure me that it WON'T).

Why can't I stand the thought of parting with things that we are DONE with?

Well, of course, the obvious reason is the memories associated with it all. I can still picture my first-born nestled into the infant sling. My second-born wailing away in the swing, while I frantically attempted to throw ingredients together for dinner. My last-born staring wide-eyed at me as I gently shook rattles to entertain her.

But, I have kept one small box of the "important" stuff... the favourite rattles, tiny books and dolls that my girls might like to have for their own children someday...

It's the "heart" response I'm having trouble with, clearly. I love babies, and no matter how sleep-deprived and blues-y I may have felt when each of my three girls were born, the baby-hood experiences in no way diminished the feelings I had of absolute, besotted, infant-adoration. Each time was the best time of my life.

My heart is finally clueing-in today that this part of my life as a mother is over.

And the heart is not happy about it.

Not. At. All.

My head knows that it's time to be done, though. My head knows that while the capacity to love grows each time a new baby is born, the ability to spend quality time with each child-- to give the very BEST of yourself to each child-- diminishes a little bit. I absolutely know that I am at the point where I have some balance in our family. The girlies are getting a little bigger, and a little more independent. And I'm FINALLY becoming able to make sure that each of them gets an equal part of me.

My head also knows that we have simply GOT to get the baby stuff out of here, or this house is going to explode. Growing girls need more grown-up things. And the more they grow, the less space we seem to have around here.

My husband wisely says that I need to learn to look at situations like this as POSITIVE change. He says that the world is finally starting to open up to us again, now that the family is complete, and the girls are becoming old enough for us to give them new experiences, take them to explore new places, and do more things.

He also says that I should be feeling happy to be "getting my life back" a little.

Well, I suppose all that's true. But today, I don't feel happy. Today, I feel strangely mournful, even though I know we have made the right decision, a decision that I am not going to regret.

Because for more than a decade, these little girls HAVE been my life. And I love my life. I just don't want it to.. slip through my fingers... QUITE so quickly....

Arrrgggghhh.... Okay, I'm trying...


And now, the weather forecast, brought to you by the Domestic Goddess:

Goddess: (cheerily, whilst holding a large ice pack to forehead and generally looking like Death Warmed-Over) Well, we've had a DOOZIE of a low pressure system move through the area, producing thunder and lightning storms, hail the size of golf balls, and killer headaches for all the women within a reasonable radius of the storm centre!! Today's outlook, more of the same, everybody, so get set for waves of migraine-related nausea, irritability brought on by whiny, bored children, and exhaustion due to the wiping up of muddy footprints trekked all over the house.

This report has been brought to you by the friendly, God-sent people at Advil.

Monday, May 14, 2007

All Systems Go for Monday Morning...

This morning, Child Number Two, aged six, straggled down to breakfast later than usual. After a very full weekend, which included her very first sleep-over and a LOT of swimming in the newly-filled pool, she was clearly exhausted.


I watched her oddly subdued behavior as she struggled through her honey nut cheerios, leaving more than half a bowl uneaten when she asked to be excused. I was downright worried when I did not hear the usual strains of bickering upstairs at the time when she is usually voraciously annoying her older sister.

When the older sister arrived downstairs with her backpack a good five minutes early, hair and teeth brushed and face shining, I questioned her as to Child Number Two's general well-being...

Mother: Hey, you look great! Listen, I'm worried about your sister. She's just WAAYY too quiet this morning. You think she'll be okay at school today?

Child Number One: Well, if it makes you feel any better, she just walked into my bedroom a minute ago and called me a hu-normous stinky poo-poo head.

Mother: Oh, well, then. She MUST be okay. Thanks for the info.

Child Number One: No problem.

Thank God. It's business as usual around here...

Saturday, May 12, 2007

The Great Mother

Mother's Day should come more often.

I'm not talking about the overly commercialized, sugary sweet, flower-filled consumer extravaganza that North American Mother's Day has become.

I'm talking about a day that comes around more regularly... say, every couple of months, where mothers and their children take time out, and make an extra special effort to appreciate and enjoy one another.

I love Mother's Day. I love that the kids make an effort to do something nice to make me happy. Their hand made cards, macaroni necklaces, and decorated picture frames are treasures that I value more highly than diamonds. I love that they are at home with me, with no interruptions from playdates and extra curricular activities. A stroll around the pond, then pushing my girlies on the swings at the park is a more appealling adventure to me than a grand tour of Europe. It's an opportunity for me to deliberately try to cement in my long-term memory the delightful little people that my three children truly are.

Little girls are little for such a terribly short period of time... Today, I'm going to savour every minute of it.

On Motherhood...

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
--Elizabeth Stone

Friday, May 11, 2007

The Princess of Dairy Queen


Today was a BIG day for the resident two-year-old.

After taking part in the fundraising walk for our local hospital, I treated her to a Dairy Queen ice cream cone. She likes the chocolate dipped kind. Actually, she usually just picks off the chocolate, and lets her old mum finish the rest... Except for the cone part. She likes the cone, too. Let's just say that if it weren't for the ice cream, she'd really enjoy the Dairy Queen Experience.

TODAY, however, she ate the whole ice cream cone. Right down to the very last drip. It was VERY impressive, considering that the thing had been nearly as tall as she was...

Mother: Well! You didn't enjoy THAT at all, did you??!!

Child Number Three: Yup!! None for you, Mum!!

Thank God... because bathing suit season is just around the corner...

Let All The Women Say:

GROOAAANNNNN...

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Gonna getcha...


By one o'clock this afternoon, Child Number Three had blown through her THIRD outfit. Yes, folks, the two year old can turn on the garden hose all by herself, now! You should have SEEN the enormous mud puddles she produced today. Annoyingly, she HATES the feeling of damp clothes against her skin, and protests loudly until she is completely cleaned and dried... only to sneak back to the hose for more.

Well, by one o'clock, The Goddess had had enough. Mt. Washmore was nearly touching the ceiling of the laundry room as it was. The Puddle Producer had to be stopped.

Mother: (looking kid straight in the eye) Okay, these are the LAST CLEAN CLOTHES. You go near that hose again, kiddo, and I'm gonna squash you like a bug!! GOT IT??!!

Child Number Three: (smiling sweetly) Nope!!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Found today


Look what Child Number One found today!!

I have been searching my whole life for one of these... and have never actually SEEN one, let alone found one myself. Child Number One was strolling on the field at her school during recess today, looked down, and... there it was, looking up at her.

She asked me if this means that she will have a wish granted. I told her that she should look at it as what I like to call a "God Wink"... and it means that she is very, very special.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Bought today



Today, after a long discussion about garden pest control with my friend Bill from Sheridan Nurseries, I found myself bringing home a Praying Mantis egg case.

Am I nuts??!!

I am not a bug person. I am a bug SPRAY person. Forget the "Off", bring on the "F-Off", I always say.

So why on earth have I brought home a tiny brown pod that I have been assured will eventually hatch up to 400 of these creepy crawly green things??!

Well, because Bill from Sheridan Nurseries says that hatching them will be an excellent scientific experience for my children to witness.

I'm all over that.

But, most importantly, Bill assured me that Praying Mantes are the ultimate garden predator. These little feckers annihilate aphids, beetles, flies, mosquitoes, moths, caterpillars, and just about any other pesky bug they can catch. They've got Serious Attitude, and I have to admit that I respect that in an insect.

Apparently, The Hatching will occur by June, and once I've got a couple of hundred creepy little critters in the bug case I blew twelve bucks on at Toys'r'Us, I can release them into my garden. They are apparently very territorial, and will stick around (forgive the pun) long enough to reproduce, and protect my precious plants from all oncoming enemies (I'm assuming, so long as said enemies are not larger than the Praying Mantis itself).

Hey, if they're game, I'm game.

Now I'll just have to work on my involuntary reaction to SWAT all things small and crawly that come at me whilst in the great outdoors...

New Mantra:

Buuuuugggggsssss are beauuuuuuutiful... Buuuuggggssss are beauuuuuuutiful... Buuuggg....

AAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

You think it'll work??!!

 
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