The New Benylin Formula...

As I have been blogging ad nauseum for the past several weeks, our entire family has been ill... pretty much steadily, since just after Hallowe'en. We've managed to run the full gamut of ailments, from gastrointestinal eruptions, through strep and ear infections, right down to bronchitis.

The good news is (... and dare I tempt the fates, and actually put these words out there in the ether??!!) MOST of us are FINALLY feeling BETTER.

The bad news is, the one family member who is much improved, but still lingering in limbo, hacking and barking up a lung... is my dear husband.

And when I say hacking and barking, people, I truly mean it. In fact, there aren't enough picturesque and disgustingly descriptive words in the English language to adequately do justice to the flamboyant hacking and barking that The Husband has been doing.

Usually at night.

And, as all you women out there know, MOTHERS NEED SLEEP. Because, if mothers aren't rested and happy, well then, the rest of the family has no choice but to abandon all hope, and go straight to wrack and ruin.

The Husband has very kindly been sleeping in the spare bedroom... thus enabling Me, His Wife, and The Domestic Goddess, to get the few hours of sleep that I so desperately need-- especially at this intensely hectic time of year.

But it's not just the night-time that is the problem. It's the small issue of all the REST of our waking hours, too. After three-and-a-half weeks of explosive vocal eruptions (usually when I least expect it-- like, for example, when I'm writing, or taking something INTENSELY HOT out of the oven), all of his racketous "throat-clearing" is beginning to Get. On. My. Nerves.

And so, today I went shopping. I went shopping for ANY and EVERY cough medicine that we don't already have in our house. Because surely SOMETHING on the drugstore shelves will work to calm his throat and save my sanity... And it would be extremely helpful if we could discover this life-saving elixir before all the guests arrive for Christmas, and rapidly begin to wish that they could just get the hell out of our germ-infested house and go HOME.

My husband stood before the kitchen counter, where I had lined up the multitude of apothecary bottles for his perusal. He eyed them suspiciously:

Him: (waving a large spoon in my direction) Hey, so which one of these should I be taking, do you think?

Me: (looking up from my computer and sighing loudly) Well, Dearest, it depends on the degree of awfulness you are currently feeling, doesn't it? Figure out how you feel, then read the labels on the bottles, and choose the one that you think is right.

Him: (musing aloud) I dunno.... I've got this little tickle, and then it feels all choke-y, and then I (ERUPTS IN A SPASM OF COUGHING)

Me: (exasperated, but as sweetly as possible) Look. You can figure this out by yourself, can't you? I mean, in your head, without telling me all about it?? I know you've been sick. Trust me. I WANT you to feel better. I love you. But I also need to get some work done, and I can't concentrate.

Him: (ignoring me) I'm not sure... There are so MANY to CHOOSE from... Hmmmm.... THIS one says "dry cough", but then THIS one says "chest congestion". I have BOTH. Is there one here for BOTH???

Me: (thoroughly fed up, now) LOOK. Just PICK ONE. If you are having trouble, just go "eenie-meenie-miney-mo", and eventually you'll whittle it down to one that WORKS. It's NOT that difficult!! TRUST ME, if there had been a bottle with "For Bloody Annoying Neurotic Husbands" written on it, I would have bought THAT ONE. But, they didn't!! So just CHOOSE ONE , already!!

Oh, man. Wouldn't THAT be a dream...

Hey, if they've got special formulas for children, then how come they don't have medicines designed specifically for MEN?