I'm the exhausted mother of three, and we're all sweltering through the last days of summer, simultaneously sweating the anxiety of returning to school.
Where else would I be?
(Besides the liquor store.)
I sidled up to the counter, where the owner was waiting, looking not unlike a lioness who has hypnotized her prey.
As I emerged from where my children and I had converged in a huddle to make our final menu selections, she picked up a little pamphlet, and made beckoning gestures. I swear to God, for a brief, shining moment, I could hear the angels singing.
"I have something here you're going to LOVE," she said, "It's the NEW POINTS SYSTEM."
I shuddered inwardly. To someone who's been on (an admittedly, somewhat lax) health-kick all summer, the idea of counting points relating to cheez-laden hamburgers and chocolate-coated ice cream was nothing short of horrifying.
"Look!" she cooed, convincingly, "Every time you eat here, you can earn points! Those points add up, and we'll e-mail you coupons for MORE FOOD! Sometimes, FREE FOOD! Two-for-one deals!! Isn't that GREAT?!"
My Points would add up to FREE ice cream?! And I didn't even have to do all the adding MYSELF?!!
Are you KIDDING ME?!
"Sign. Me. Up." I croaked, sounding not-unlike a cross between Darth Vader and Satan (who, I am sure, was possessing my diet-addled brain at the time).
Dear Weight Watchers,
I'm sorry, what else can I say? It's not you, it's me.
As it turns out, starving doesn't do much for my math skills, which were no great shakes to begin with, I'm afraid. Constantly adding up WW points all day (and, truth be told, sometimes in the middle of the night) just didn't work for me. No matter how hard I tried to tot up the sums, I just couldn't make them add up to 18. Hell, I couldn't even fudge the answer properly. (Mmmm... fudge...)
I confess, I have been seeing someone else behind your back, whom I shall simply identify as "D.Q." for the purpose of preserving our privacy. This is someone who understand my (chocolate) needs, and emotional (stomach) fulfillment.
Again, I'm sorry. I just can't be with two systems at the same time. I only wish there were more of me to go around...
Although, I have a feeling that very soon their might be.