No, really...

No, not really.

When you are a mother who has resumed life as a full-time student, and also attempting to begin working at a new job, there is no such thing as being "in control".

I know that, now.

But it doesn't make "letting go" any easier, let me tell you.

A few "bullets" from the trenches:

--Going back to university has, so far, been a wonderful experience. I certainly didn't expect it to feel like this at all. After having done my undergrad at the largest and snootiest university in this country, I fully EXPECTED the workload to be completely unmanageable, the other students borderline-suicidal, campus atmosphere dismal, and the professors out-to-kill-me. In fact, in this particular post-graduate program, the workload IS ridiculously heavy, but fascinating. The other students are friendly, and happy to be a part of it all. I have had nothing but positive interactions with people of authority on campus. And my professors? Are nothing short of spectacular. They actually treat me like an intelligent human being-- a human being with a valuable life experience BEYOND academia. It's marvellous. It's incredible. Going back to school has turned out to be one of the most intense, challenging experiences of my life... but it's worth it.

--I am teaching. Grade THREE! Until Christmas. And I love it more than I can say.

--My girlies are undergoing some very difficult adjustments this fall. It's been very, very hard on all of us. But, they're coping beautifully. And I'm so proud of them, so grateful for their love and support and willingness to make these changes for me. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing for THEM, after all. They deserve a stable, secure, happy environment, and I'm determined to provide exactly that.

--Our care-giver, Mary, makes all of this possible. Without her, we are nothing. She has jumped right in, and taken over the household exactly where I had to leave off. There is nothing she won't do for us, it would seem. I am the envy of the entire village, having a woman like her helping us. In just the past few weeks, she has made herself an indispensable part of our community, and has been helping out friends, hosting little get-togethers, and putting in long hours volunteering at the girlies' school. Everyone loves her-- but nowhere near as much as we do.

--It's autumn. Already. The leaves are turning the most spectacular shades of red, orange and yellow... and overnight, my garden seems dried-out and rope-y, and ready for the big pre-winter tidy up. When did this all happen?? How did I manage to miss so many of those "golden days" of summer?? And what the HELL am I going to do with all those tiny millions of tomatoes, and gargantuan zucchinis that have appeared seemingly out of NOWHERE??

--I am slowly learning how to manage this juggling act... which is no small feat for a classic Type-AAA control-freak like me. I hate having to "let go". I hate the people who tell me I HAVE to "let go", or part with what's left of my sanity. Needless to say, I'm not sleeping much.

--It's hard. But I'm counting my blessings. I may not be "in control", but... I'm getting there, and that's a pretty damn good start.